346) Pieces of Posts Past

I have massive writer's block tonight, so I'm stealing a few excerpts from an old online journal I used to keep. It's still very much public, but I keep it under wraps because 75% of it is embarrassingly emo and mostly about boys. But I can't bring myself to delete it. It's a nice record of the way things were, how I thought, and how I wrote back then.

A few random excerpts, and some retrospective commentary. The first one is a little heavy, apologies.

March 1, 2005
Today as I was walking to French class, a horribly cruel dream that I had last night came rushing back to me. I don't know if I've ever had such an emotional dream, and it hurt so badly to remember it. I dreampt that he was alive, that it was all a joke. I was walking down a sunny sidewalk with random friends and all of a sudden I see him walking toward us. Just him, smiling, there, with short buzzed hair like he had in jr. high. My heart seizes up because it's as if I've seen a ghost, but he's there in front of me. I fall on my knees on the sidewalk and start gasping and sobbing, while at the same time I've never felt so incredibly glad in my life. I remember vaguely hearing one random friend say, "Oh yeah, Natalie didn't know..." like I was the only one who hadn't heard yet that it wasn't true. I got up and gave him the biggest hug ever, sobbing incredulously, babbling about how hard it had been to deal. He smelled like he did at dances, when he used his special cologne. He showed me a large scar on the back of his head, but shrugged it off as if it was nothing. I was so incredibly relieved.

But it was all a dream. It's so cruel the way memory comes back and attacks when you least expect it. I don't want to forget his memory, but it hurts to be teased like that.

(Thankfully never had another dream like that again. This was the one white squall in an otherwise calm-sea childhood. I still wonder where he'd be and what he'd be doing.)


December 9, 2004
Oh my goodness.

I just came back from my last Intro to Communications lecture. The subject of today's lecture was advertising. I've figured it out: I LOVE advertising. THIS IS WHAT I WAS MEANT TO DO. The whole lecture I was sitting up, leaning forward in my chair without even trying, and every five minutes I thought, "wow, this is so interesting". Now I'm so anxious - with so many talented people in the world, how can I make my mark in the advertising world? But I want want want to do it. I want to flip through a magazine and be able to say, "I created that". I'll never forget the advertising project I did sophomore year in Mr. B-something's (my memory is failing me) Communications class at Gunn. We made a black and white commercial filmed at Juana Briones for a made up perfume/cologne. It was basically Tupy and I running around but it was so good and so much fun. I want to do that for a living - not be in commercials but make them. Definitely switching to a Communications Studies major. I still want to study literature too though...and French....hmm can I double minor? It's so crazy how excited I am. I can't explain how good it feels to actually be so interested in something and want to do it so badly.

(It's nice to have career affirmation from my 19-year-old self.)


July 2, 2004
It has finally hit me that hey, no more high school, it's time to move on to college. God, it seems like only yesterday (yep, I sound like an old fogie) I was wondering if that day would ever come, if I was ever going to be old/smart/cool enough to be a college girl.

(And now I'm 25. Holy hell. Sometimes I still feel like I'm just playing adult.)


(Carefree in college.)